Words were said

Everything is fine now (good God I hope so). I've come to a mutual understanding with that 3-month long thorn (or should I say leaf) in my side. From now on, he and I have agreed to give each other the head-nod when we pass each other in the hallway. I feel like I'm in high school. Something he said resonated with me because it was almost identical to something another person said about my temperament in a similar situation. That is, my mood and attitude towards others seems to fluctuate randomly -with the moon or with the weather so I've been told. We generally live in our own heads and rarely realize how our subtle behaviour, such as body language or inflections in speech, affects others. Likewise, we fail to recognize that the conclusions we come to inside our own heads are unknown to those around us unless we tell them. It is far too easy to act before considering these points and I am often guilty of this mistake. Unsurprisingly, people sometimes wonder why I behave coldly to them without any seeming provocation. I'm overly sensitive, I already know this. Others will say or do things which I perceive to be jibes at me when in fact, because other people are living in their own perceptual world, these comments have nothing to do with me. At the same time, I've come to see that I am retarded when it comes to social subtleties. When an ex says "you should call me sometime" in passing, this does not actually mean that he wants you to call him. What Mike M. and the thorn have told me is that "you should call me sometime" is actually a way to deal with socially awkward situations and is an empty comment. I had no idea. I thought that when you say something to another person you're supposed to mean it. I take things most people say literally unless they're speaking with obvious sarcasm. I have to practice my "yes means no and no means yes" perceptional skills, I guess.

I want to address those who have criticized my blog as being too personal. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the term "blog" as:

"a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer."

I would say that my journal conforms to this definition. Also, I want anyone reading this to note, especially after reading the above posting, that I am willing to disclose more than just the positive, professional aspects of my life. I am willing to speak openly about my mistakes and about some of the negative aspects of my character, including my depressive episodes, my performance anxieties relating to academia, and my sometimes humiliating love-life. I'm attempting to create a record of my life as I feel it at the time: real, raw, thrilling, crushing. Even if I come off as an asshole (which is likely considering my penchant for pretension), I hope my limited audience can appreciate that at least I am attempting to be candid.

On a lighter note, I am going to a show with Richard S. (who has an excellent assortment of band t-shirts) to see a band called "The Buttless Chaps." Later in October I am going to see "Alexisonfire" by myself. I hope that I can get the band members to sign my shirt across the breasts. That is all for now.