They say growth is painful...

My previous post has eerily predicted the future. Now, 2 months later, this is what I have made of my life. Malcolm and I have officially dissolved our common-law marriage. I am moving out of his house on August 1st to live in a shared two bedroom flat off Commercial Drive. The reason Malcolm and I split (among many other things) is that I slept and became enamoured with a tattoo guy (Leaves keep falling on my head). It has been a bitter summer thus far. I was dumped by tattoo guy, leaving me with the sole inclination of crawling under Jonathan's arm and feeling sorry for myself. This is what I deserve for my wicked adultery. What's worse is that I have to see tattoo guy in English class twice a week. It is a very awkward situation, especially since (like Milan) I told him to leave me alone and refrain from contacting me. Such an approach may seem harsh to most people, however I find it is the only way to quickly and effectively get over a person you have feelings for. Leaf wanted to be on friendly terms with me, which would have confused me considering that I was still sexually attracted to him and that he had broken my heart. Moreover, hating someone is more empowering than feeling defeated by them. I am often tempted to contact him and mend things. Despite what people may think of me, I am uncomfortable knowing that there is bad blood between myself and others. I want to call him up and explain my actions. I want to ask him why he sent me that shitty email after he broke it off with me. I want to ask him how his daughter is doing, I miss her a little. I wish there was some way to do this without appearing wishy-washy or weak. As it stands, doing any such thing would admit to Leaf that he had hurt me. The consequence of admitting this would only make me vulnerable again and would give him considerable leverage. I must constantly remind myself that any contact with him will only be a repetition of our initial break-up. I other words, I will feel hurt anew. And this I cannot have. I have a goddamned thesis to write.