Student Loans and the End of an Era
This morning I checked my email to find that I had been approved for a student loan for the upcoming academic year. It is enough for me to move out of Malcolm's house, and at the time I felt some relief from the financial worries that had been afflicting me as of late. I rushed upstairs and excitedly told Malcolm about the loan. I expected him to be excited as well. After all, this would also mean some relief for him. No more live-in ex-common-law-spouse to take care of. And since Malcolm cares about money above all else, it would mean an eventual increase in his income since he does take care of me somewhat. He didn't look happy, though. He looked sad and disappointed. When I saw his face drop I understood why, and started to feel saddened myself.
This loan is yet another sign-post marking the end of our five-and-a-half year relationship. Having this money solidifies the fact that I will be moving out in a month; that we won't see each other every day as we have been over the last half of a decade. It's strange; I have been so focused on gaining my independence, on starting a new life, and on meeting new people, that I have completely lost sight of what I will be losing. That is, I will lose a partner; Malcolm and I worked together as a team to better our lives. We supported one another and compromised much to be together. I will also be losing my best friend. I'm sure Malcolm and I will stay good friends, but it won't be the same thing as waking up next to your best friend in the morning, or being able to traipse around the house naked with your best friend. Now faced with this loss, I am confronted with Malcolm's goodness. He is the best partner I could ever ask for. Malcolm is patient, caring, generous, hilarious, principled, and calm. Now I must face the gravity of what I am giving up. Not the comforts of financial security, but instead the companionship of a wonderful person.
Malcolm, you're the best.
As with my first post, which predicted my break-up with Malcolm, I will be adding a photo of myself. I don't see any changes in myself, but it is possible that changes occuring at a psychic level can be manifested on a physical one. What do you think?
posted by Victoria Kowalewski @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006
3 Comments:
ps. Really happy to hear about the loan.
your face shows sadness and fatigue. But you're still hot.
I know it's probably a sensitive subject, but have you ever thought about reconciliation? Not sure if that would work for Malcom, but it sounds like you both don't want to loose each other.
Maybe you can work things out?
Rob,
I think that if Malcolm and I get back together it will be in another era. The way we are now -a restless student and a professional homebody -does not work. I think there's hope for the future, though. We've decided to stay close. I think I need to mature some before I can commit myself to him (or anyone for that matter). As it is, I haven't stopped loving him one bit. I just need some space to form an identity, which is hard to do when you've been joined at the hip with someone since you were 18.
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