Faculty Party

Tonight I went to a faculty party at Dr. Burtch's house. Since I had just gotten off work, I felt smelly and sweaty. Everyone else was smartly dressed. J-Lo didn't show up; apparently he was giving a talk tonight at some convention or something. Lussier was there: damn he's good looking, and a snappy dresser. I could see myself with him. We both wear v-neck sweaters over button-downs, blazers and black-framed glasses. He's a little short, though.

Despite all my talk about men, I’ve found myself thinking about a girl lately. I'm surprised, but considering my adolescent dating habits, I suppose I shouldn't be. I forget what it was like to be with a woman. I can imagine that she's softer, smoother, nicer to kiss. I dunno, I'm supposed to be on a date diet, anyway.

Even though I'm expected to spend my every waking minute researching my thesis, I spend a lot of my free time reading fiction and doing crossword puzzles. Right now I'm reading my way through Sedaris; first "Naked", then "Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim", and now "Barrel Fever". Afterwards I am moving on to Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", specifically for the "Saved by the Bell" references.

Do you know what made me happy today? When I arrived late at Burtch's everyone greeted me warmly and genuinely looked happy to see me. It felt nice. I can be loud and obnoxious, but a lot of the time I really feel invisible and insignificant. Uninteresting. Perhaps this is why I like reminiscing with Rob about our past; in retrospect I seemed to have been a much more interesting person. Now I just feel like a dickhead saying dickheaded things most of the time.

Last thing. I was thinking about what my life would be like if I had never met Leaf (and dated Richie), and had stayed with Malcolm as we had always been -safe, monogamous, bored. I think I am happier being single now. I care for Malc, but I feel more in control of my life than I did when I was being kept. All of a sudden I have expenses, bills, no car + chauffeur. But at least I feel like I am contributing to whatever circumstances I may find myself in. More accountability, I guess.

And, one more last thing. I think what's keeping me from losing the 10 pounds I gained over August (depression and suicide is baaaaaaaaaaaaaad for the body) is a fear of dating. I'm still vulnerable: I don't want to meet someone who thinks I'm smart and beautiful only to get let down and dumped. I've heard that some rape victims gain or lose a ridiculous amount of weight and stop caring about their personal appearance because they don't want to get hurt again. My situation does not compare to that of a rape victim. At the same time, I get the idea.

Darth Meagan was driving me home after the SGM party at the pub. "People suck" she said. I agree with you Megs.