so, so, so...

i've decided to return. much and absolutely nothing has happened in the last month. i've finally (finally!) finished the semester with an -A average, which suits me, and dismays many of my academically elitist friends. after getting a one week extension on my crim 412 paper (thanks to Dr. B's sick note), i finished my study on gender stereotypes in serial thiller novels, and pleasantly, received an A. My -A average is not surprising as i always manage to drop the ball in the final minutes of the game (so to speak). I was getting A's in everything, but this 26 page paper drained psychologically, and so, it interfered with exam prep. and so it goes. I thought that when i finished the spring semester, like a caterpillar, or perhaps like a chick hatching from its egg, i would come out into the world reborn. i don't really feel this way, though. even though Anna G. and Cat, and Julianna, and Rob, and Don pester me with phone calls, i want to be left alone. for the past week and a half, i have worked a little, slept a lot, read a great deal more, and exercised. I enjoyed a Russian Feast with Don B. that left my bowels aching for a week afterwards. Jonathan emailed me the day after I finished my exams. it took me three days to respond. I wondered if i was willing to feel such vulnerability again. Finally, i emailed him back, writing in as non-chalant a fashion as i could muster. alas, he hasen't responded, and i feel i've been dupped a second time. for someone that i only knew for two months (even though these were a vivid, fiery, two months), i feel he is not worth a third chance. if he does respond (which i doubt), he wont get another peep from me. If it has taken Jono more than a week to return my interests, he can go to hell, as far as i am concerned. I'm through with him as i was through with M. and of course, malcolm is batting his perfect, manicured index at me: "I told you so."
Perhaps the most important recent development has been the reopening of communications with my mother. Apparently, Monika Z., has become computer literate in her old age, and she caught me on MSN! i had to respond, being a passive little shit. i told her i'd see her on my break from school, but on further reflection i've realized that i'm not ready, nor will be for a very long time, to deal with the woman. her tentacles still desperately reach out to me, and it is very disheartening. it makes me uneasy to the point of inducing dry heaves. while i greatly admire my mother, as i've said before she occupies demi-God status with me, i cannot bear to see her so destroyed. my mother is but a shadow of the vibrant, muscular sunflower she once was. she no longer reaches for sunlight. her stalk is broken, and she lays rotting in the cement. not even the earth will have her. this is a sick description, i know; it makes me sick to think about it.
I saw my little brother, Jozef, a while back. he seems to alter his appearance on a monthly basis. His stature is so imposing, i feel he will take over the world. he is ridiculously tall, a veritable Leviathan: well-built, blond, blue-eyed, well-spoken, intelligent, and crawling with teenage girls. He possesses that frightening certainty many middle-class youth embody before they are hit with the world that awaits them outside of highschool. full of energy and efficacy, i feel Jozef is readying himself to swallow the earth, whole. he is aweful, in both senses of the word. So arrogant and sure of himself, which usually, are qualities i despise in others, especially men. on the other hand, i admire him for i see what i could have been had i been nurtured differently and been given a better chance at success. my mother always remarked, on account that Jozef and i always looked identical when at the same age, that we were twins seperated by 6 years. it is true, when compared to Anna (my younger sister and the middle child between Jozef and myself, and often the self described dark child to her siblings Aryan looks), we are ridiculously similar.
so what am i going to do next? the summer semester begins on monday, and i am preparing myself for it by purchasing a pair of white asics trainers instead of textbooks. Bravo, Viki.