everything is shit.
so tired, ready to drop-out. getting fat, lethargic. i don't know if i can take another three years of this. 1 more year of courses. 1 year of crim honors. 1 year of english honors. is it all worth it? seems less so, every passing day. Grad school seems like a fantasy, and who the hell wants to deal with arrogant academics, anyway? i have a billion words to write, and not a drop of energy left to write them. this business of malcolm and i breaking up, my subsequent weight gain, and pending exams and papers, have wasted me. i don't want anything, nor anyone, anymore. the whole world can go to hell, as far as i am concerned. i'm sorry i can't be of a sunny disposition like others are. i've had it.
posted by Victoria Kowalewski @ Tuesday, April 05, 2005
1 Comments:
I often find it is in these places of "damn the world" that I come to my senses. I mope and seethe for a time, perhaps times, and then I find that I get to make a choice.
You see, often these places in my life are the experience of decay. They are those periods when a portion of my life, or a part of my soul, is dying.
The feeling of that death leads to frustration, anxiety, anger and depression.
The cool thing is, death always paves the way for resurection. It is in seeing the dying part of my self that I reasses and question my values as I try to decide which parts to save, and which to use as fertilizer.
No experience is ever wasted. Even where I let a part die, the lessons learned in the process serve to nourish and strengthen the newly emerging self.
Note I do not mean to say I am constantly "swapping" selves, but rather that I am in a process of maintaining a garden. My whole self is the garden, and some parts need pruning every now and then.
The experience of depression usually serves as an indicatior that some part of the garden is not doing well, and focuses me on the appropriate steps to fix it (once I get over wallowing in self pity... which can take a while).
So go ahead, be depressed. It will lead to healing if you are willing to use it.
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