not much energy to do anything. malcolm is working late, but promises to bring me something upon arrival. i suspect sexual favours. essay applying queer theory to Fifth Business in my opinion is fantastic; i will be dissapointed if I score below an A. I saw Richard yesterday, it was insane seeing him. I haven't seen Richard in over a year, yet I still felt sexual tension between us. I suspect he liked my haircut and the new blond hair. as soon as he realized Malcolm was still my mate, he quickly ran off. This doesen't surprise me, but, as i've discussed with Jonathan, it is hideous how sex seems to get in the way of friendships between young men and women. Perhaps this is why my best friend of 8 years is gay -no sexual tensions. I don't know which character to adopt. should I be the fat, ugly ogre, who repels men, yet whom they respect, because the ogre has a brain, or, or, or, or...something tall and blond, walking around in $300 jeans and a professional haircut, who isn't so obvious about her learning nor her diverse cultural backround (french immersion, private school in Poland, a University education), and who smiles and says "I don't know-I think nothing" when asked "what are you thinking?" Right now I seem to occupy the body of the latter-give me a few months, a few too many pizzas, and I shall resume my place as the former. I've played both these roles before, and both have benefits as well as costs. An interesting cost is that both characters pay the price of being humiliated. everyone assumes my mind is empty when my hair is styled, that i'm some rich bitch in a fur coat who has never felt adversity, nor who struggles with herself. When i'm fat, i am considered physically despicable. I distinctly remember eating a chocolate orange at a bus stop in Lynn Valley (yes, i was eating the WHOLE thing), and an elderly gentleman suggested that i stop at 2 slices because it looked as though my figure was suffering, and why waste my figure when i had such a pretty face.
The third character is the one whose bodyand soul i want to occupy least. this is a figure everpresent in modern media, and around me; the uberwoman (and not in the Nietzschean sense). she is, and is expected to be, everything. thin, beautiful, athletic, a PhD, a perfect mother, a photographer, a writer, an artist, charitable, fashionable (but not in a gaudy nor gluttinous sense), in love with the perfect man, but also completely independent of him and others, and of course, she's proud of the fact that she rarely sleeps. This woman is the hideous monster to me. Her huge repetoir of activities, of doing life, means that she spends little time thinking life. actually thinking, which is to say, not thinking about what you read or learned in class, but thinking for yourself, without the guiding hand of the exterior world. I find these busy-bodies rarely present me with original thoughts-they regurgitate others' ideas that have been tweeked. This is perhaps why i like Jonathan so much- he seems to take the time to think. the everywoman (and, of course, there are legions of these hideous little trolls out there who are ubermen), is so obsessed with doing that she spends little time thinking, wondering. S is a prime example of this everywoman. she gets fabulous grades, works 30 hours a week while in school full-time, maintains a slight figure, dresses exquisitely, and has a co-dependent boyfriend whom she doesen't really need. she's also hideously boring, is uber-critical of everything and everyone, without saying much of anything. sure she can quote de Beauvoir, but i haven't heard anything of her thoughts in a good 4 years. she drinks and smokes heavily, and the impression i get is all this doing is a means of escaping her thoughts. or maybe i am just jealous because i will never be uberwoman. maybe i can't be bothered to do, to perform, when all i need is a good many hours a day to think and to be.