tired, resting, repeat

last night i went out with jonathan. we went to the Cambie, which was loud and raucous. i'm glad we have sorted things out, for the time being, at least. we're both lit majors, and i was wondering (out loud) about our tendency to deconstruct what others say or write. it seems that studies in literature breed a special type of neurotic. we spend our time trying to uncover the underlying meaning of a text, while ignoring the obvious meaning on the surface; that which is most readily apparent. similarly, in tenuous relationships, we are constantly trying to uncover the underlying meaning of what the other writes or says. depending on one's current state of mind or mood, or general view of humanity, this 'underlying message' can be interpreted with noticible skew. since i am a cynic, any message i interpret, as some of those e-mails jonathan has written to me, reveal to me a negative underlying message. what's the solution? obviously, open communication with others. this is difficult as my knee-jerk reaction to others, when i am uncertain of their intentions, is to either lash out with ferocity, or to become candidly laconic. Often i have learned that silence is the best play, as often saying anything results in a worsening of the current communication problem.
i know this over-analyzing of others' language is not simply the result of my own neuroses. I have often found myself in situations where i have had to calm others because they have retracted some abstract and wholly illogical meaning from what i have said to them. i suppose it makes sense to them; something has been produced within the grindings and churnings of their brains that results in the new meaning.
Damn you, Derrida!
last night, while walking arm in arm with Jonathan and sharing a ciarette, i ran into Sofi and Will? ( i don't know who this guy is, but apparently we went to highschool together in 8 and 9). she looked polished as usual; smoking on a cigarette herself. she's always quick to cut off communications between us first. it is as if she has to show me who cares less, or who is busier, or who is more important. I don't really understand her motivations, but then things have always been twisted and confused between us. It is strange. for 4 years we were the best of friends. we shared a kind of bond between women (okay, we were just girls at that point) that only women outside north america seem to maintain. we held hands, would share a bed occasionally, cry holding each other, and share every horrid little detail of our lives. it was not always sweet, however. there is a reason sofi and I terminated our 4 year infatuationship. we were always fighting, driving each other crazy, and always trying to irritate and destroy the other. except for my mother, my relationship with sofi is the most poignant example of a Love/Hate relationship that i have ever encoutered. she's changed alot since we were 18. Of course i still see her on campus every now and then, but we rarely make anything other than passing remarks to one another. she's much more materialistic, and bitter, and haggard-looking. i suppose its the melodramas with men, the smoking, the gin and tonics in the evenings. more positively, she is a voracious student; highly intelligent and feverishly competitive. it will not surprise me when i hear that she is off to a distinguished graduate school. I just hope she doesen't wear herself down to the bone.