today

why am i doing this? i suppose i am entering yet another period of transition. i feel the need to write, talk, blabber, and so on, in order to filter through the muck. much is changing for me. my 4 year relationship with malcolm is in tenuous space right now. i wonder of what mettle i am made of without him. we came very close to becoming one, and then i realized that i was far too young, and far too immature to meet him at such a level. i am now preparing myself to embark on a lonely and personal journey, to leave him so that i can learn about myself.
i have also come to the realization that i cannot depend on anti-depressants to fulfill me in life. i suppose i am a slow learner, as it has taken me 6 years to realize that Venlafaxine will not make it all better. i feel deeply that there is something missing in my life, 0r more poignantly, there is something missing within me. part of this is cultural connectedness. i met up with my Polish club at SFU last week, and we all shared similar sentiments about Canada and Polska. that is; we have been raised as polaks in a foreign land. for a long time, we feel as though there is something wrong with us. why don't we agree with our own culture (Canadian)? why do we feel so detached from the country in which we were raised? later we learn this is because we were raised not as Canadians but as Polaks, and this is a reason for the emptiness.
there are other reasons for this hollow feeling, of course. i shall, however, leave political rantings to a later date.
C'est moi?